“Everyone is alone in the heart of the earth
pierced by a ray of sun,
and, suddenly, it’s evening. “
Salvador Quasimodo
Things might look very different in a
couple of days. Since it feels the way
it does now, I thought I’d write about it,
since there are elements that are universal,
and writing something might help someone
else.
There are so many people in the world whose
lives are hopeless….children in jail in Thailand…
people who live lives with chronic disease, old
men alone in rooms in hotels in large cities…
child soldiers in Africa…and the list goes on.
Compared to them, my life has been extremely
fortunate, even miraculous. I met an
enlightened teacher when I was twenty two,
(I’m seventy), practiced meditation for fifty years,
stabilized my mind so that the suffering and
insanity I felt when I was young is no longer there,
worked for the benefit of others in many ways.
My state of being now is better than I ever
imagined it could be.
I could live longer if I had the means. Right now,
it doesn’t look so good, but, as I said, that could
change. What if it doesn’t, is the reason I’m
writing this now.
I was never interested in getting lots of money.
Especially in the United States today, a lot of
the people that have sought, and are seeking,
to get rich have had to compromise their
decency to do so. We know that, for most rich
people, it’s never enough. The accumulation of
wealth is just another addiction, one that is
celebrated, even worshipped by the culture.
America at this hour is a sick society. As
Krishnamuri said: ”It is no measure of health to
be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society.”
So, I didn’t go that route, follow that path. I
thought I had it all worked out when I was in
my twenties: I became a plumber to support
myself which it did. It enabled me to follow
the Buddhist path and devote my energy to
liberating my mind and helping others. I
thought that I would get enough inheritance
to sustain me when I got older, which it did
for quite a number of years. It still would be
if circumstances I couldn’t foresee, (greedy
relative) hadn’t happened. But, hey, “the
best plans of mice and men often go
astray.” So, I’m not blaming anyone or
feeling sorry for myself. I’m just looking at
the situation with clear eyes.
I could have done more to promote myself.
I am a poet. I could have gotten on
Facebook…that seems like a no brainer,
but really, only exceptional poets make a
living at it, and, at best, I’m only mediocre.
I thought if I had a blog, I’d see how much
interest there would be in my writing. To my
surprise, a publisher in Romania liked my
work, and published a couple of small books
of my poems. He’s a saint, and has little
money himself, so, he can’t help me. I see
when I publish something new on my blog,
I might get ten or twenty hits, so, some
people read me, but only a few. I’m not
good enough to have a patron. So be it.
As my teacher said: “Things get very clear
when you’re cornered.” As I said, the
situation could get better so that I’m able
to continue for a few more years. If not,
it’s a matter of only a few months. If that’s
the case, what then? I’m not going to move
to California, for example, and live in the
streets with the other homeless and insane
people that aren’t getting help. I’m not going
to do that just to suffer and die. Abandoned
by friends and family I’m on my own. This is
the life I’ve chosen, this is my karma, and I
accept that.
When I’ve had to make big decisions in my
life, I’ve always taken the Bodhisattva’s point
of view: “What can I do in this situation that
would benefit the most people (beings)?”
In this case, it might be just to die?
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Addendum: False alarm ...for now.
But it was good to contemplate the situation,
because, you never know.
