From here, it looks like suicide.

“Everyone is alone in the heart of the earth

pierced by a ray of sun,

and, suddenly, it’s evening. “ 

Salvador Quasimodo

Things might look very different in a 

couple of days. Since it feels the way 

it does now, I thought I’d write about it,

since there are elements that are universal, 

and writing something might help someone 

else.

There are so many people in the world whose

lives are hopeless….children in jail in Thailand…

people who live lives with chronic disease, old

men alone in rooms in hotels in large cities…

child soldiers in Africa…and the list goes on.

Compared to them, my life has been extremely

fortunate, even miraculous.  I met an 

enlightened  teacher when I was twenty two, 

(I’m seventy), practiced meditation for fifty years,

stabilized my mind so that the suffering and 

insanity I felt when I was young is no longer there,

worked for the benefit of others in many ways. 

My state of being now is better than I ever 

imagined it could be. 

I could live longer if I had the means. Right now, 

it doesn’t look so good, but, as I said, that could 

change. What if it doesn’t, is the reason I’m 

writing this now.

I was never interested in getting lots of money.

Especially in the United States today, a lot of 

the people that have sought, and are seeking, 

to get rich have had to compromise their 

decency to do so.  We know that, for most rich 

people, it’s never enough.  The accumulation of

wealth is just another addiction, one that is 

celebrated, even worshipped by the culture. 

America at this hour is a sick society. As 

Krishnamuri said: ”It is no measure of health to

be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society.”

So, I didn’t go that route, follow that path. I

thought I had it all worked out when I was in 

my twenties: I became a plumber to support 

myself which it did. It enabled me to follow 

the Buddhist  path and devote my energy to 

liberating my mind and helping others. I 

thought that I would get enough inheritance 

to sustain me when I got older, which it did 

for quite a number of years. It still would be

if circumstances I couldn’t foresee, (greedy

relative) hadn’t happened. But, hey, “the 

best plans of mice and men often go 

astray.”  So, I’m not blaming anyone or 

feeling sorry for myself. I’m just looking at 

the situation with clear eyes. 

I could have done more to promote myself.

I am a poet. I could have gotten on 

Facebook…that seems like a no brainer, 

but really, only exceptional poets make a 

living at it, and, at best, I’m only mediocre.

I thought if I had a blog, I’d see how much

interest there would be in my writing. To my

surprise, a publisher in Romania liked my 

work, and published a couple of small books

of my poems. He’s a saint, and has little

money himself, so, he can’t help me. I see

when I publish something new on my blog,

I might get ten or twenty hits, so, some

people read me, but only a few. I’m not 

good enough to have a patron. So be it.

As my teacher said: “Things get very clear 

when you’re cornered.” As I said, the 

situation could get better so that I’m able 

to continue for a few more years. If not,

it’s a matter of only a few months. If that’s 

the case, what then? I’m not going to move 

to California, for example, and live in the 

streets with the other homeless and insane 

people that aren’t getting help. I’m not going

to do that just to suffer and die. Abandoned

by friends and family I’m on my own. This is

the life I’ve chosen, this is my karma, and I 

accept that. 

When I’ve had to make big decisions in my 

life, I’ve always taken the Bodhisattva’s point

of view: “What can I do in this situation that 

would benefit the most people (beings)?”

In this case, it might be just to die?

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Addendum: False alarm ...for now.
But it was good to contemplate the situation,
because, you never know.