The Interview

Frank was excited..this was going to

be his big break. A man had died and

gone to Heaven, but was revived by his

doctor, and wanted to tell his story.

So far, Franks biggest story had been 

George Clooney forgetting his cell phone 

in the toilet of an Arby's. He happened 

to be in the hospital when this guy came 

to. His first words were: "Get me a 

newspaper man! I've got a story!"  

The guy passed out for  a while soon 

after, but, when he woke again, he was 

more rational. Frank was waiting in the 

hall, and when he had the chance, he 

stuck his head into the room and told the 

man he was a reporter, and the paper he 

worked for was the Enquirer.  "Perfect," the

man said, "wait 'till I get home and I'll call

you and tell you the story."

Frank was ushered into Joe's living room.

When Joe told him he had been to Heaven,

Frank couldn't believe his luck. He urged

Joe to tell him all about it.

Joe began. "Listen, this is a very important

story...everybody...I mean EVERYBODY

needs to hear what I have to say!"

"Take it easy!" Frank said, "My paper is the 

right place for your story....millions will read it."

"OK...here goes. I knew `I was dead, was 

going through the tunnel of light like I'd read

about. When I got to the end, I found myself

in an enormous room....beautiful tapestries

on the walls of the lives of all the saints from

every religion. I had a white robe on of some

beautiful cloth that felt wonderful on my skin.

There were others there, dressed like I was.

One guy had a clip board. I walked over to him.

He smiled: "Hi, Joe, welcome to heaven!"

I couldn't believe it..."You mean, I made it?"

"Yes, Joe, you made it to heaven. We've been

expecting you."

"Wow...cool...but is this place all there is?"

"No, Joe, heavens not! (excuse the joke).

Heaven is vast and full of wonders!"

"Great!  Uh...so...what's next?"

"Well, let's go outside and I'll show you...by the 

way, my name is Arthur."

"Like the king?"

Arthur chuckled. "No, Joe, not like the king."

He took Joe to a big door and opened it. 

They went outside, and Joe looked around.

"Wow, it sure is big. Is it all this white?"

"Yes, Joe, it's all white. That's Heaven for you!"

"OK. So, what can I do here?"

"Well, Joe, you can sing, praise the Lord, have

an epiphany whenever you want. You can float

around, sit on clouds, talk to others about

celestial things. You'll always feel great and never

worry."

"Well, that sounds pretty good. Tell me, can I play

pool or ping pong?"

"No, Joe, sorry...we don't have any place to put

a table."

"Can I have a drink, smoke a cigarette, have 

something good to eat?"

"No, Joe, Heaven is strictly non-smoking. You

won't need food, and you'll always be in a state

of bliss, so, there's no need to drink, is there?"

"Huh. So, what do you guys do? How do you 

spend your time?"

"I already told you, Joe, we just float around 

in a state of bliss. We don't have the things 

you mentioned: no entertainment, no distractions,

no serious discussions, no philosophy. And all

the poetry and music here is Heaven related. 

Think Enya...think Gerard Manly Hopkins. Those

things you mentioned....well, you can't find them

here. They're in the....other place."

"You mean," and Joe started to tremble, "you

mean...ALL THE GOOD SHIT IS IN HELL?"

"Now, now, Joe."

"But then," (Joe was talking to me now) "things

went dark, and I woke up back in the hospital!

We've got to tell people! WE HAVE TO TELL

PEOPLE ABOUT HEAVEN!!"

I told Joe to take it easy. After such an ordeal,

that he probably needed some more rest. I was

able to calm him down a bit...assured him I would 

be back the next day. I left, but had no intention

of ever coming back. His story was too crazy,

even for the Enquirer.