Monday, March 28, 2016

The Jihadist Handbook Of Rules

(Because you gotta be clear why
you're blowing yourself up)

1. How many virgins

The number of virgins you get in heaven
depends on the effectiveness you achieve
upon blowing yourself up.

If you are a devout jihadist with an intense
hatred of infidels that makes you so blinded
you accidentally run into a tree with your car,
or, when walking, fall down a manhole and
die, you go to heaven, but, no virgins.

If you are prepared with your dynamite
clothing, but it accidentally goes off before
you reach your target and no one else is 
hurt, you get one virgin...a fifty year old 
spinster, whose father was a plumber and 
she still lives with her parents.

If you were born into the faith, and blow
yourself up, with at least one death and
several injured, you get the standard 
issue of sixteen pretty good virgins.

There is a bonus of virgins after five killed 
or virgin for every five more
killed or wounded.

If you convert to the faith from a Christian
or Hindu sect, or, if you convert from atheism,
become a jihadist and kill or wound the requisite
number of infidels, the number of vigins is
doubled. If the infidels are members of your 
own family, that number is quadrupled. If you
are a successful jihadist that has converted 
from Buddhism, the number of virgins 
increases tenfold.

Obviously, these standards point to a requisite
of efficiency if you expect to receive your 
just rewards in heaven. He is watching!

2. Planning And Preparation

Load yourself up with dynamite and walk 
towards the infidels. Make sure your finger
is on the detonator. Make sure you don't
press it before you are in want
your virgins, don't you?!!

3.  Prayers

Say your prayers before you proceed towards
the infidels. You won't have a chance to later.
And you can think of all the virgins you'll be
getting as a motivational factor.

3. Group Actions

Group actions are beyond the scope of this
handbook. Please refer to the Advanced
Handbook of Jihadism if required by your 


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