The Jihadist Handbook Of Rules

(Because you gotta be clear why

you're blowing yourself up)

1. How many virgins

The number of virgins you get in heaven

depends on the effectiveness you achieve

upon blowing yourself up.

If you are a devout jihadist with an intense

hatred of infidels that makes you so blinded

you accidentally run into a tree with your car,

or, when walking, fall down a manhole and

die, you go to heaven, but, no virgins.

If you are prepared with your dynamite

clothing, but it accidentally goes off before

you reach your target and no one else is 

hurt, you get one virgin...a fifty year old 

spinster, whose father was a plumber and 

she still lives with her parents.

If you were born into the faith, and blow

yourself up, with at least one death and

several injured, you get the standard 

issue of sixteen pretty good virgins.

There is a bonus of virgins after five killed 

or wounded...one virgin for every five more

killed or wounded.

If you convert to the faith from a Christian

or Hindu sect, or, if you convert from atheism,

become a jihadist and kill or wound the requisite

number of infidels, the number of vigins is

doubled. If the infidels are members of your 

own family, that number is quadrupled. If you

are a successful jihadist that has converted 

from Buddhism, the number of virgins 

increases tenfold.

Obviously, these standards point to a requisite

of efficiency if you expect to receive your 

just rewards in heaven. He is watching!

2. Planning And Preparation

Load yourself up with dynamite and walk 

towards the infidels. Make sure your finger

is on the detonator. Make sure you don't

press it before you are in range...you want

your virgins, don't you?!!

3.  Prayers

Say your prayers before you proceed towards

the infidels. You won't have a chance to later.

And you can think of all the virgins you'll be

getting as a motivational factor.

3. Group Actions

Group actions are beyond the scope of this

handbook. Please refer to the Advanced

Handbook of Jihadism if required by your 

Imam.