Why I Didn't Get Into Harvard

For most people in the world, not

getting into Harvard meant that finding

meaning in their lives was going to be

almost impossible. Even recently discovered

primitive peoples of the Amazon and the

South Seas, when informed that they hadn't

gotten into Harvard, gave up their traditions

and built crude replicas of Harvard Yard,

weeping at feasts for days on end. For the

men of these tribes, knowing they had not 

gotten into Harvard, meant that they could

not walk down the forest lanes any longer with

their heads held high, noses stuck in the air.

In Australia, many prospective crocodile hunters,

not having gotten into Harvard, just allowed 

themselves to be eaten. Many conspiracy 

theorists felt that not getting into Harvard 

would soon have catastrophic effects for 

humanity.

I did well in high school and wanted to attend 

Harvard like everyone else. My family drove

me to Cambridge to meet with administrators

in hopes that that would have a positive effect. 

I had an interview with a Harvard alumnist who

lived near my town, which I anticipated with a 

mixture of starry eyed hope and dread. 

The interview, took place in the perfect Harvard

grad's book lined, wooden walled study. The

first question this man asked me was "What do

you want to do with your life?" 

I had never though of this question before. My 

life? My whole life? Was I expected to know, to

get into Harvard, everything I wanted to get done

in my life, when I was just still a teenager, 

concerned mainly with pimples and the rest of it?

Was I suddenly in some kind of surreal Catcher-in

the-rye-22 situation?

I stammered: "I don't know." There were no other

questions, really, and soon the interview came to

a politely abrupt end.

I have spent the rest of my life, as we all that didn't

get into Harvard do, analyzing what went wrong,

while we serve burgers at McDonalds, perform

second tier jobs in offices, change the oil on race

cars at the Indy 500, all the tasks that had been

gladly left for those that didn't get into Harvard.

I have come up with many possible options
of things I should have said in the interview,
at that one, crucial moment. Some are:

"I want to be the dictator, or even duly elected
despot, of a small country."

"I want to have more money than anyone else
and use it to control people."

"I want to develop weapons that will scare the
shit out of everybody."

I rejected: "I want to get lots of money and give
all to Harvard." It seemed too cloying.

I could go on and on and on with the list. It's
all most  us, that didn't get into Harvard, do in
our spare time.

Of course, there is a certain portion of humanity
too stupid to realize they didn't get into Harvard
and live (to them) happy, simple lives with work
that satisfies, surrounded by loving family and
friends. They'll never know what they're missing.