Thoughts About Time

The Past

I thought I was over it
but I can’t stand to see my parents
They care too much
It’s suffocating

Friends that I see
Twenty years later,
What I remember,
All the emotions,
Are just ashes.

I can’t tell my mother
She didn’t give birth to me
I can’t buy into the same jokes
My brother and I laughed about
I can’t compare my lover
To old girlfriends
It’s never the same
It just gets deeper
The more I look

Is life getting simpler,
Or do I just not care?
What happened before
Has become a myth.


Present

How am I doing
So far? Everyone
Has their opinion.
Everyday has its
Hope and fear.
I have to move, and
I will have to move again soon
Chaos has potential
Wanting solidity
Something to write home about
Life for story value

I get caught up in details
And forget who I am.
When I remember,
I feel embarrassed.
Too many cigarettes
Going at once.

Which somebody am I?
Will somebody please tell me?

Future

My body is falling apart
Like an old robot
Every time my heart skips a beat,
I gasp and wonder
Is this it? It’s getting
Harder to make plans.

Inhaling the smoke of dead leaves
We understand the coming fire
That will burn somebody
Will I be ready? Nature reveals
Itself in moments of doubt

I’ve committed for another year.
That seems like a reasonable
Increment. I hope they give me
better housing.

I want more life, fucker.


Now

Hanging on a limb
I let go and find myself
A bough beneath my fingers
Slipping, bark against skin
I let go, I breathe
This is everything

He sat next to me.
A few words passed
Between us, I gave him
A cigarette, and he left.

The magnitude of a sigh,
Of pea gravel at my feet,
Of a plastic milk crate
Beneath my ass
Fading memories of
Last night’s dreams
Bad coffee and
Pending work.

Sometimes we sit together
And don’t speak.
A slight smile as if
We’ve failed.

John & Eusebio 8/28/02