Rough Translation of Itself

I can't watch the movie because 

your violin is too big...could 

you satisfy me please?

Thank you for participating

in our emergency life drill.

If it had been an actual life, you

would have been given instructions.

It is forbidden to believe anything

on these premises.

"Anyone for Gulag?"

The misuses of bells and

whistles is strictly prohibited.

If you are about to go into the pool,

check to see if you have washed first.

Check your friends to see if they

have washed.

When rushing too fast around the pool,

observe the life of others.

The presence of glass containers around

the pool is quite amazing. Please exchange

these for better utensil. Life is in your feet.

These rules are meant to be obeyed

for your kindness. Any missteps involve

severe lashings.

I'm glad we're done here.

(Lit.: "I'm Vlad. We're done here.")